When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
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*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.