The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
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[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.