Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
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Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.