DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
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Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please