[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
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a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Lube but for my dry humor.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*