[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
You Might Also Like
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
That’s enough internet for the day
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.