Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
*watches the world burn*
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.