Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
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ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
next level snooze
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
You learn something every day
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
wow he looks just like him