next level snooze
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Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit