From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
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[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear