i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
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The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
pep talk
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”