Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
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I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Perfection.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.