Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
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Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!