Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
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WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building