The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
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My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day