Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
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If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
just left a huge legacy in there
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying