How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
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My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
mood
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.