If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
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Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Meeeee too!
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn