The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
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If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I need better friends
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Yes
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
He just like my cat fr
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.