Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
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Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I know
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”