GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
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Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.