“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
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My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
How to woo a woman
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.