I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
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before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Um … Hot Wings please
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.