Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
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When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.