Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
You Might Also Like
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner