Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
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Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday