[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
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It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.