My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
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You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
HELP 😭
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth