today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
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As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest