genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
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I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there