who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
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i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed