I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
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The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Yes, this is exactly right
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.