Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
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Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Why is this me 😫
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.