Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
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It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.