If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
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My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My love language is hissing.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.