Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
You Might Also Like
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.