Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
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[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.