A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Breaking news:
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average