Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
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The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.