“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
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If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Ovenable?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’