It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
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First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?