It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
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Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
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People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
sometimes i miss this memes
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