Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
You Might Also Like
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
No chill.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball