my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
You Might Also Like
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”