Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
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Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”