JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
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The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
B
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
This is Sparta