[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

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a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins


If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.


[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.


Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…


Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*


The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.


Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool


An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!


*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh