@rockymomax

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

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@SvnSxty

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

@kimtopher22

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

@robin_991

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.

@TheBoydP

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

@maebemarbles

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

@kimtopher22

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

@RobinSage76

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

@CherBear162

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

@Book_Krazy

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh