@SvnSxty a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
@rockymomax [in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
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@SvnSxty 
@kimtopher22 If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
@robin_991 [during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
@TheBoydP Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
@maebemarbles Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
@kimtopher22 The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
@RobinSage76 Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
@BlackManMoney I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
@CherBear162 An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
@Book_Krazy *In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh