The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
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Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
“I wouldn’t.”
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”