“I wouldn’t.”
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It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
This meal prepping shit is easy
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.