This meal prepping shit is easy
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“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious