[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
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You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*