if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
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*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Canadian owl: Eh?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.