If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
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Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I’M CRYINGGG
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*